I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
We are all done wearing pants today
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
