too bad you live with your parents still
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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