I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
