You're a womanizer and a bitch.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
