i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Randomize
