Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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