you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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