just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize