Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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