Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize