I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
