also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
