sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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