I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
