If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
