Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Randomize
