if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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