Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize