Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
