being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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