I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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