Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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