tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
