I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
