I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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