No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
