he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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