My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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