there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
