I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
