don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
