my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
high people should be assigned attendants
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
