you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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