I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
