The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
