I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
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