im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I wish there were birth control emojis
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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