I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I'm passing your future prison.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
