New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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