i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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