matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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