I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
