if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
The struggles of a small town man whore
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
