Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
