I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
