you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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