**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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