First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
