I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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