i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
What changed your mind?
Being sober
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize