ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
