Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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