mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
