absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
