You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Randomize
