turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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