kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
