I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize