Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
