Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
